People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
