Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The uberlube is also flammable
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
