My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
