she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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