Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
this will be a night to untag.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
