I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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