The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
