I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize