Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
even my farts smell like vagina
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
