the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
