also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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