you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
