its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
