the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Randomize
