he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
