I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
