just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
