We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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