My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
