I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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