someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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