Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
