i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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