my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
