I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
