i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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