i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i think i have two assholes
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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