There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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