you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
We need to get me chipped asap
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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