You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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