Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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