we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
