Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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