shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
