my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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