Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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