I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
