Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize