i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
