Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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