I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Do vagina's smell?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
