I'm so fucking centered right now
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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