mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
