dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
