Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
