I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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