Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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