I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
