Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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