Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
