I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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