dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
