Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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