you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
