I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
