you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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