Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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