I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
