i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize