OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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