about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
