The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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