my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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