dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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