just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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