i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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