oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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