it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
